The Night Watch by Sarah Waters “Helen opened her eyes and gazed into the luminous blue of the sky. Was it crazy, she wondered, to be as grateful as she felt now, for moments like this, in a world that … Continue reading →
Moving from F onto G. Getting to it is sometimes quite a mystery. And as much as we’d love some sort of treasure map or at least clues as to where G marks the spot, there never is. So you’ve … Continue reading →
When do you say I Love you? It gets to that time in the relationship where you know you should say it, wait for them to say it, or both ignore it like the awkwardly British people we are and … Continue reading →
Sex Parties – Something you should try out or something to never think about? After writing this column for a year, I get invited to a lot of different sorts of events. Ones that if you lived with your parents … Continue reading →
Poems are devices used to get your loved one to notice you. They can also be used as a last resort after sending three dozen roses, twelve teddy bears and a mermaid to the house of the one you love didn’t work. If you’ve done something bad then you can write an apology poem and attach it to the pieces of broken plate that she hurled at you. ‘I love you so much you make my heart blister, I’m really sorry for fucking your sister.’
With writing them you really do have to put a bit of thought into it. You can’t just bung a load of words on a piece of paper and hope they work. It takes time, effort and detailed planning while chewing on the end of a pencil and sipping on brandy. If you don’t lose a few pounds with the stress or lose a few weeks of your life or lose your dignity with the stuff you write down then you’re really not doing it right.
You have to brave in this endeavour. You can of course say that you love them but anyone can do that. You should say exactly what it is you love about them. ‘Your hair smells of roses and slightly of wet cat and I love it when you put it in my face.’ Brainstorm some ideas about what to write down. With poems, they apparently don’t have to rhyme but I think they sound a lot better if they do. Words like bum and cum for example have a nice ring when they’re put together on a page and that gives you a lot to work with. Don’t add the word mum in there though. You could also go with love and shove, face and ace or boobs and lubes.
You don’t have to write just about the relationship you have or want but you could describe exactly how you feel when you fell for them. ‘I fell for you like the little girl in the ring fell down the well.’ ‘When I realized I was in love with you the world seemed an amazing place and unicorns began to sing to me.’ ‘Falling for you was like being smacked in the face with a lollypop stick of love.’
What girls get very impressed with is if you know ‘little’ things about them. This means stuff like if their favourite smell is cinnamon, if they like popping bubble wrap, if they like riding on the shopping trolley at Asdas, if they like eating chocolate best when it’s cold, if they like the look of untouched snow, if they like when tangerines peel easily or if they like leaving three rings before answering the phone. Stuff like that that maybe only you and her cat know.
If you chuck a load of adjectives in and some stuff about flowers you should get there in the end. Or tell them all the things you would do for them like make them a massive princess sandcastle or take them to Mcdonalds and let them pick whatever they want off the pound saver menu. Or just tell them what you’d like to do to them. I bet you that it will work.
She comes out with a joke a second in her stand up making your sides split, she’s got a lovely scottish accent that she says can sound quite threatening and she’s the reason I now get called a lesbitarian. I … Continue reading →
Meeting the Friendship Group Meeting your partner’s friends is a very important thing to do in a relationship. Ridiculously important. It’s like remembering to give the house elf a sock important. These are the people who your partner will bitch … Continue reading →
My time/Why you need to get to LBeach LBeach in Germany was a baffling place. Because it was a festival with 4000 women spending a lot of time together, and it wasn’t bitchy in any way. Imagine that. No really … Continue reading →
Getting in the Mood I’ve talked before about what to do if your partner isn’t feeling like sex, but what do you do if you’re never in the mood? These are some little ways you could try to get in … Continue reading →
Thoughts you’re not meant to have, but get. Things that pop into your head during sex are often inappropriate, mundane or sometimes funny. And they probably fall into these three categories. As well as the dirty thoughts you’re meant to … Continue reading →
Bijou: The Cocktail Social for Gay Women Bijou is a sophisticated ladies night. And so of course I had to be all sophisticated. And as sophisticated ladies do, I put on a party dress and aimed to drink cocktails and … Continue reading →
How you know you’re in love It’s meant to be a lovely emotion. But if you’re falling for someone who has no clue about your feelings you can start the long slow rolling snowball of emotional hell where tequila is … Continue reading →
Not one to rehash old sex talks but every week this comes up in my email box. If I talk about sex so much, how important do I think it is? How important is sex in a relationship? It’s what … Continue reading →
I was ridiculously excited to see AMiTY play last night. Mostly because her music is an incredible mix of instruments and sounds accompanied by a beautiful voice. But also, a little bit because the gig was in an exclusive club … Continue reading →
Things you should never do while naked. Being naked is great. You can quote me on that, Effi Mai, 2013. And there are lots of things you should do naked. Showering for example is an activity to partake in without … Continue reading →
Eyeliner, glitter, bass, chains, drums, shimmying, waving, heels, leather, shots and unicorns. It has to be a Head Hearts gig. Now as I do with most of the gigs I review, I get caught up in the set and forget … Continue reading →
Sex Toys for the first time… Strap on guide When thinking of getting a sex toy for the first time, the strap on is often the first thing you’ll think of buying. It’s because it’s something extra to add to … Continue reading →
T.L.C TLC standing for Tender Loving Cunt, obviously, is the brand spanking new girls night ready to take over Green Carnation fortnightly and unleash some amaze balls music and sexy women. And you know what’s even better than those two … Continue reading →