How to write a love poem

Poems are devices used to get your loved one to notice you. They can also be used as a last resort after sending three dozen roses, twelve teddy bears and a mermaid to the house of the one you love didn’t work. If you’ve done something bad then you can write an apology poem and attach it to the pieces of broken plate that she hurled at you. ‘I love you so much you make my heart blister, I’m really sorry for fucking your sister.’

With writing them you really do have to put a bit of thought into it. You can’t just bung a load of words on a piece of paper and hope they work. It takes time, effort and detailed planning while chewing on the end of a pencil and sipping on brandy. If you don’t lose a few pounds with the stress or lose a few weeks of your life or lose your dignity with the stuff you write down then you’re really not doing it right.

You have to brave in this endeavour. You can of course say that you love them but anyone can do that. You should say exactly what it is you love about them. ‘Your hair smells of roses and slightly of wet cat and I love it when you put it in my face.’  Brainstorm some ideas about what to write down. With poems, they apparently don’t have to rhyme but I think they sound a lot better if they do. Words like bum and cum for example have a nice ring when they’re put together on a page and that gives you a lot to work with. Don’t add the word mum in there though. You could also go with love and shove, face and ace or boobs and lubes.

You don’t have to write just about the relationship you have or want but you could describe exactly how you feel when you fell for them. ‘I fell for you like the little girl in the ring fell down the well.’ ‘When I realized I was in love with you the world seemed an amazing place and unicorns began to sing to me.’ ‘Falling for you was like being smacked in the face with a lollypop stick of love.’

What girls get very impressed with is if you know ‘little’ things about them. This means stuff like if their favourite smell is cinnamon, if they like popping bubble wrap, if they like riding on the shopping trolley at Asdas, if they like eating chocolate best when it’s cold, if they like the look of untouched snow, if they like when tangerines peel easily or if they like leaving three rings before answering the phone. Stuff like that that maybe only you and her cat know.

If you chuck a load of adjectives in and some stuff about flowers you should get there in the end. Or tell them all the things you would do for them like make them a massive princess sandcastle or take them to Mcdonalds and let them pick whatever they want off the pound saver menu. Or just tell them what you’d like to do to them. I bet you that it will work.