The only reason I can write this is because I’ve already done it. The cringy awkward moment when a year later you cannot believe that was you acting that way and you hope that you were possessed by something.

The first phase you can just about to get away with. A few phone calls, a couple of txs, maybe the odd email is understandable. You’re showing your keen and not playing the whole playing-hard-to-get-I’m-not-phoning-you-until-you-phone-me type of game. Its healthy and mature.

But this can easily slip into the not acceptable phase two. If you’ve left over ten voicemails and phoned too many times to count then they are really not interested and you need to TAKE A HINT. And don’t use the excuse ‘they must have been in a terrible accident’, because you WOULD have heard about it off someone. Also on that note, if your ringing hospitals, doctors, surgeries, even dentists then it’s time to hide the phone and go and play with some crayons to calm down.

Phase three is the stalking phase. Facebook, Twitter, even an old MySpace can be looked at by anyone. Trawling photos for other people that may be involved with your person and reading statuses from weeks back hoping that you don’t see someone-that-could-be-more-than-a-friend tagged in them. This can waste hours of your precious time when you could be out meeting new people. But by now you’ve probably forgotten that other people exsit. I’ve even once said hello to someone I thought I knew, but it turned out she was one of the ‘friends’ of the person I was stalking and she was a complete stranger. This is the phase you start to look a little mad. And by ‘little’ I mean a lot.

The final phase is the worst by far. ‘Accidently bumping into them,’ That means going out of your way completely to see them. And no matter how good your acting is, they will know. The ‘Oh Hi, I didn’t know you walked down this side street at 1:35 every day before going to get a sandwich from the cafe over there, what a surprise!’ never works and they will know and possibly take out a restraining order.

Sometimes it’s just too easy to slip from one phase to the other without even realizing it. Before the time comes to build a shrine or make a voodoo doll and go completely deranged take a step back. And then another one. and then one more. And then keep reversing until you can hear their name without bursting into a teary monologue. Or find someone new to obsess over so the whole circle can start again. It’s much safer that way