Bad sex

If you’re sitting up in bed writing a shopping list and you’ve almost forgotten that your girlfriend went down on you ten minutes before then chances are the sex life isn’t so great. But can you fix bad sex or is it a simple chemistry equation that you and her arn’t getting?

Sometimes it can be bad from the off where you really like the girl and all her other qualities are amazing and you can see yourself settling down with her and doing all the grown up stuff like buying a house and getting a cat. But if the sex is bad it can really put you off. And it’s difficult to bring it up when all you’re doing is either shagging or lying in bed just after doing it. You can hardly say ‘Oh you know what we just did; it wasn’t really that good for me.’

Rather than have a ‘talk’ about it when you’re fully sober over dinner or watching Family Fortunes, I always think it’s better to try and say what you want during. Kind of coach each other into what you like. If they’re touching you in the wrong place then move their hand so they’re prodding you in a different spot. Or say ‘You know what would be amazing, if you did this,’ and show them something. When you’ve only just got together it’s much less just-walked-into-a-lamppost-cringey than having a full blown conversation, or argument about it.

If the sex has turned watching-the-shopping-channel boring, like if you’ve been in a relationship a while and it’s just a routine then try spicing it up with something. Shake up the whole bedtime habit with toys, sexy underwear, photos, chocolate, cream, Dvds, erotica, wine, candles (to light I mean, I wouldn’t, you know) pillow fights, costumes, sweets, fantasising, karma sutra, strip tease, lube, candyfloss or marmite. You never know what might work with experimentation.

If they don’t like doing things that you love then try simple flattery and encouragement. If they won’t go down on you (but seriously, what kind of lesbian are you dating?) then try say something like ‘You know, NO one else has EVER managed to make me come like that,’ I’m telling you now she’ll see it as a challenge to get one up on your exes. Another quite sneaky way is to tell mutual friends that she’s the best in bed. Then they’ll tell her and she will try a lot harder so she can keep her title. Not that I’ve done these things. I mean I haven’t had a girlfriend go down on me for ages or only want to please me because of this at all…

If it’s just bad and you’re in a counting-the-cracks-in-your-ceiling-while-doing-it rut then you might actually have to have a talk.  Although take it from experience saying the words ‘shit,’ ‘crap’ or ‘I struggle to stay awake every time you do things to me,’ will not help. They’re probably going to be surprised, as I’m guessing you would have been faking it or you would have had the talk a lot sooner. And be prepared that she might have things to say about you. You might not be so I’m-so-awesome-I-make-a-girl-come-just-by-kissing-her great yourself.

Sadly sometimes, it’s just not meant to be. Bedroom time can be a good indication of how much chemistry you have and if you’re thinking ‘I could do better myself,’ then you need to question how important it is to you. Be mature, think about it rationally and then set out ways to make it better. Or do the total opposite, say you’ve got a headache, buy a really good rabbit and go to town once she’s asleep.