If you fancy, like the look, or feel sexually attracted to someone then it can be a lovely cupcakes-for-breakfast feeling. But if you’re not allowed to fancy them, since they are your brother’s girlfriend, your teacher or your boss, then you need find ways to keep it together around them. (Although, of course, I will pull my boss one day…) And of course this can be extremely tricky as forbbidden fruits are always the ones we want the most.
When you like someone your pupils dilate, you smile more when you’re around them and if you’re bordering on creepy then you might let your tongue loll out too. I wouldn’t suggest doing the latter but sometimes, it’s good to show a lady what they might get if they gave you a chance. Also, keep away from hair twirling, laughing at the awful what-do-you-call-a-sheep-with-no-legs jokes and don’t do that I’m just going to undo my top button because I’m just so hot thing.
Don’t tell anyone. Everyone knows that ‘secret’ is just a code word for I’m-going-to-tell-everyone-I-know-but-they-won’t-tell-anyone-else-I-swear. Chances are, your crush will hear it off someone and then you’ll both be in a really uncomfortable situation. Like the type of situation when you say your ex’s name in the throes of pleasure.
The annoying thing is, when you fancy someone, you can’t think of any reason why they don’t fancy you back. Yes she may be your married dentist who has five kids and doesn’t like cats, but if she says ‘You’re all clean,’ it’s hard not to go into full on psycho mode and imagine you running hand in hand through a meadow. It’s as delusional as thinking that the reason you can’t fit into your size eight jeans any more is because pixies live in the wardrobe and sewed them tighter.
Obviously as this person is someone you can’t like, you then can’t get mad if someone else likes her. Yes it may be horrible to watch your brother slurping over her but simply walk out the room. Do not push him down the stairs or tell your parents he’s a drug dealer as a punishment. The same with the dentist, don’t threaten the husband with dental floss. This will not put you in her good books, this might get you a restraining order.
Don’t be over eager in doing things; for instance if they ask if someone would mind helping them clean out their garage, do not say yes. This goes for cleaning all parts of the house, caravan and under no circumstances must you help them clean parts of their body. If you’re talking to them and the conversation gets to dangerous ground then pull away and change the subject. Talk about football, chewing gum or shout out ‘purple alien pancakes,’ and see where that gets you.
I think these are quite obvious things to avoid doing but when you’re with that person all logic flies out the window along with your dignity. Just in the back of your mind think about the consequences if you acted on your feelings. You’ll get rejected, humiliated, may lose a loved one after arguing, or you may well just find yourself hiding in the wardrobe bare arsed clutching onto something thats vibrating hoping the dentist’s husband doesn’t find you.