If you fancy, like the look, or feel sexually attracted to someone then it can be a lovely cupcakes-for-breakfast feeling. But if you’re not allowed to fancy them, since they are your brother’s girlfriend, your teacher or your boss, then you need find ways to keep it together around them. (Although, of course, I will pull my boss one day…) And of course this can be extremely tricky as forbbidden fruits are always the ones we want the most.
When you like someone your pupils dilate, you smile more when you’re around them and if you’re bordering on creepy then you might let your tongue loll out too. I wouldn’t suggest doing the latter but sometimes, it’s good to show a lady what they might get if they gave you a chance. Also, keep away from hair twirling, laughing at the awful what-do-you-call-a-sheep-with-no-legs jokes and don’t do that I’m just going to undo my top button because I’m just so hot thing.
Don’t tell anyone. Everyone knows that ‘secret’ is just a code word for I’m-going-to-tell-everyone-I-know-but-they-won’t-tell-anyone-else-I-swear. Chances are, your crush will hear it off someone and then you’ll both be in a really uncomfortable situation. Like the type of situation when you say your ex’s name in the throes of pleasure.
The annoying thing is, when you fancy someone, you can’t think of any reason why they don’t fancy you back. Yes she may be your married dentist who has five kids and doesn’t like cats, but if she says ‘You’re all clean,’ it’s hard not to go into full on psycho mode and imagine you running hand in hand through a meadow. It’s as delusional as thinking that the reason you can’t fit into your size eight jeans any more is because pixies live in the wardrobe and sewed them tighter.
Obviously as this person is someone you can’t like, you then can’t get mad if someone else likes her. Yes it may be horrible to watch your brother slurping over her but simply walk out the room. Do not push him down the stairs or tell your parents he’s a drug dealer as a punishment. The same with the dentist, don’t threaten the husband with dental floss. This will not put you in her good books, this might get you a restraining order.
Don’t be over eager in doing things; for instance if they ask if someone would mind helping them clean out their garage, do not say yes. This goes for cleaning all parts of the house, caravan and under no circumstances must you help them clean parts of their body. If you’re talking to them and the conversation gets to dangerous ground then pull away and change the subject. Talk about football, chewing gum or shout out ‘purple alien pancakes,’ and see where that gets you.
I think these are quite obvious things to avoid doing but when you’re with that person all logic flies out the window along with your dignity. Just in the back of your mind think about the consequences if you acted on your feelings. You’ll get rejected, humiliated, may lose a loved one after arguing, or you may well just find yourself hiding in the wardrobe bare arsed clutching onto something thats vibrating hoping the dentist’s husband doesn’t find you.
I was already giggling away but the line, ‘This goes for cleaning all parts of the house, caravan and under no circumstances must you help them clean parts of their body.’, actually made me spew my drink all over the screen. Brilliant (and true!) ;)
This is just so hilarious! Don’t tell your parents he’s a drug dealer no, that would be bad! :P :P
You need to be writing for Diva or Curve or something! I would buy those magazines then!! they need a bit more funny stuff in them x
Brilliant article as always :-D
YOu have had me in stitches most of the evening. You are truly talented x
Oh dear. I wasn’t supposed to be extra super duper helpful? I wasn’t supposed to transmit ‘I love you’ vibes into her head by staring? Oh.
You are hysterical! I once had a raging crush on my boss. We were a great professional team, and I loved going to work every single day. What you say about jealousy is true. This boss was quite the player and often juggled more than one woman. I had to help keep them straight and make sure their paths didn’t cross. Torture! I got my revenge in subtle ways. Like when the two in current season came to me at Christmas time and asked about gift ideas. I directed them to an identical “fab” item that the boss just couldn’t be without and they both fell for it. I was present at the second unwrapping when the boss gaily opened the box only to see the exact same expensive but ugly and useless thing the first one had gifted.
OMG that is just soo funny! hahah and something I would definitly do! brilliant idea :)
I’ve never come across a site I’ve loved and has given me such giggles. Very well done. You should be selling these articles somewhere, they’re truly fabulous xx
hahaha!! you crack me up! since i am more delusional than a 35 year old crazy patient in a superman cape, i appreciate this. your blog is looking more professional and snazzy by the day! <3 – it – keep it up! xx
God, talk about been there done that and got the tee-shirt!! Think we’ve all been through this at one point in our lives and like you said, the main thing to do is take a reality check and remain calm/ non-psycho! There’s plenty more fish in the sea anyway and everything happens for a reason (two cliché sayings in one sentence… Doing well today…) great article, very relevant to many of your readers too I’m sure! :) x
What if I’m into being bare arsed in the closet? ;)
I so agree with Jade. I’d buy diva if you write for them! Brilliant and humours!! Love it:)
Thanks Sweets :) x
Don’t be over eager in doing things. Sure. Nice piece
Yelling out “Purple alien pancakes”!!! Broke me up, I could see myself doing that, some (married) women are such teases.