Can you date someone who hasn’t come out?

Dating people can be a dangerous pattern of doing the wrong thing and doing the right thing but in a wrong way. It can be tough juggling a partner with friends, making sure they feel special and not shouting out the wrong name in bed.  But if you’re dating, or the British equivalent sleeping with someone who hasn’t come out everything can get a bit trying-to-explain-to-a-parent-that-the-dildo-they-found-is-just-a-modern-whisk tricky.

Having my experience of this I can say that personally it was hell. Being introduced as the ‘friend’ to everyone is degrading and worse than letting someone pee on you during the throes of passion or having a masters in engineering and working at KFC. You want to be the one that their shouting about and showing off but you can’t be and have to sit back while they pretend to talk about sizes of certain things and which one out of one tree hill is the hottest.

If you’re out with them then it can be changing-your-relationship-status -to-single-and your-ex-clicking-like awkward when you run into people.  They will probably panic and start mumbling about the weather and chickens leaving you both looking like plebs. Not going to gay clubs is another pain in the lesbian arse and having a few tequilas and not being able to snog your girl is another. What’s the point in going out with a sexy girl if you can’t throw her around on the dance floor and have a good grope?

I think it was probably difficult for us because I am SO out. I run a lesbian blog, I review lesbian things and lesbian toys and generally just charge around lesbian clubs being all lesbiany. It was quite difficult for me to hide the rainbow face paint and hop back in to hiding. I would have to act straight around this girl and her friends and talk about boys even though the word ‘Penis’ makes my face scrunch up in disgust and I have to think about pretty things like unicorns and nail varnish to stop picturing one.

There are upsides though if you really want the silverish lining. You don’t have to meet the in laws and make that of-course-I’m-a-virgin impression. You don’t have to attend the family functions and make polite conversation over the peas with a distant cousin who stares at your tits the entire time. You’ll probably have no problem staying over in said family’s house as as you’re just a girl, no one will be worried if you will be having naked time together. Just if you are scratching the hell out of your girl’s back later and using the cucumber you stole from the salad bowl, try keep it down so no one suspects.

It’s a hard thing to do keeping secrets from everyone and it’s not the forbidden secret love that everyone hopes it will be but more a tireless struggle against friends and family. But you can’t help who fall for and if you do find someone while browsing the closet there’s not much you can do. You just have to hope that they do show their card to someone at some point and go for there. And for the meantime shove their skeletons out the way and enjoy the closet sex with their inner gay.