Oral Sex

The staple for every lesbian diet. Going down on your partner and performing oral sex. But wait, what’s that I hear in the distance? That’s the sound of many lesbians getting it wrong leaving their partners frustrated and going to town with their vibrator afterwards.

How to go down on someone. How to lick someone out. How to do oral sex. Or how to do cunnilingus. These are questions thrown into google all the time.  As the whole thing can be tricky if you don’t knwo what the hell you’re doing. First off don’t ask if you can do ‘cunnilingus’. It sounds like you’re going to perform some sort of dreadful medical test on them involving cotton buds and flea spray. Instead, pull your girl towards you and get your tongue ready for some knowledge.

First off is the position. You have to be comfortable if you’re going to go down there. These things take a long time. You don’t want to be crutching down with your bare arse in the air getting cold and getting pins and needles in your ankles. So get comfortable. Get your girl to sit on a chair on desk so then you can sit snugly in a chair to get to work. Or get her to sit on some high shelving or scaffolding so you can stand. Her sitting on your face is always good because she can decide on the pressure. But be careful not to stay under there for too long, as you may drown.

Now ladies, slow the fuck down. It’s not a race. You have to be prepared to be down there for quite a while. It helps if you take you watch off and remove all clocks and sun dials from the area so you can focus on the thing in front of you instead of wondering if you’ve missed most your life.

Take your time with the marvellous dapper object that is the vagina. Look around, get to know it, introduce yourself. It’s not being-in-a-cabin-in-the-woods-scary. People say you should pretend that the pussy is an icecream cone that you have to lick a lot. I disagree as icecream is cold and many people are intolerant to it. Instead focus on the sections and move in towards the middle.

Now the aim is to not think you’re in the Olympics and reach the middle quickly to get gold. Lick gently on the outside and then lick down a bit, up a bit, side to side a bit and then back to where you started but don’t touch the clit. And enjoy it. And show that you enjoy it, because that turns women on more if they think you love doing it. If someone is sighing and flicking over pages of the Guardian while doing it half heartedly no one is going to be happy.

Now with sucking and biting, gentle is the key. And by gentle I mean gentle. You are not vacuuming up there. You’re not having a snack either. You’re just massaging and pleasuring your girlfriend so that she thanks you by returning the favour, making you your favourite meal, or doing your taxes.

Being tired is a silly excuse. The tongue is the strongest muscle in your body. And it’s self lubricated. But obviously if you fancy a bit of flavour, chuck some raspberry pavlova flavoured lube over it and go to town. After you’re done with the whole teasing thing then do what you would do with your fingers, but with your tongue. Move it in and out, touch the sides, go back in, in out, in out, shake it all about.

With the clit you have to remember it’s a very tender thing. It’s not a chew toy for you to play with. If you flatten your tongue and slowly lick over it that feels good, or quickly swirl your tongue around it but then leave it alone again. Then return to it briefly again. This should make her pushing-your-head-down-and-begging-for-more turned on. You bring your fingers to the vagina party but use them after you’ve been using your tongue for a while. Otherwise it’s just lazy.

Talk to your girl and ask her what she likes. If you’re not getting the right bit then tell her to put her fingers in a V position in that area so you can lick inbetween them. And don’t get annoyed if she starts being a back seat driver and starts to direct you and tell you when to put on the breaks. You’ll know for next time that she likes you to nibble this and lick that, and that she doesn’t like it when you make light saber noises with your tongue like you’re battling androids.

Once you’ve given them a mindblowing orgasm and have sat back and admired your work then give yourself a pat on the back for  the excellent work you have done. If it doesn’t happen straight away then don’t panic, you just have to get used to the whole wet affair. And now that I’ve outdone myself on rude vulgar writing I will let you lovely people give any tips that I may have missed out.