Time in the day to do it

Scientists say that starting the day with sex is the best time to do it, but when you’ve hurled the alarm clock at the wall, you realize you’re already fifteen minutes late for work, you can feel the Malibu and Baileys shots in your bloodstream, your hair is sticking up in tufts, you have sleep snot in your eyes, and worse than any of that, you realize you’ve run out of coco pops, sexing will be the last thing on your mind.

And if you’re single, there’s not much chance of doing things in the morning because the only people sharing your bed are your teddy, a bottle of tequila and/or your flatmate who’s just stumbled into your bed claiming her life is over. Again. And worse than that, if you took someone home the night before and without the beer goggles they don’t look too dissimilar from a camel then jumping them won’t really be on your list of things to do.

The ‘brunch’ of sex is doing it somewhere in-between breakfast and lunch and can work well for people who work evenings like waitresses, pole dancers or sellers on the black market. The only problem is that after the big struggle of actually getting up, going back to bed can mean having to pull yourself out of bed twice which is on the same level of disgusting as frying a hedgehog.

If you do do the brunch option I would suggest a floor, a worktop, maybe a shower because of the killing the birds with the stones thing or on top of a bucket somewhere. Nothing makes you want to get up and go to work quicker than sitting in a bucket.

Afternoon sex has it’s appeals on weekends because there’s not really much else to do. Boredom can really kick in after you’ve fed the giraffe crumpets, watched re runs of Hollyoaks and built all your hotels on the Mayfair square. It’s considerably easier to have sex in the afternoons if you’re in a relationship otherwise you need some quite good tactics to go out and find some unexpecting lesbian doing her Saturday shopping who will want to throw her Primark bags up in the air like she just doesn’t care.

On the weekday afternoons you’ll probably be in work either fulfilling your life in your amazing career or you’ll be sitting by the photocopier seeing how many paper cuts it would take to be sent to A&E. If you’re currently embroiled in some sort of office affair then your chances of afternoon sex are pretty high when your excuses are you’re going to an important meeting together, seeing important client together or going to talk on sexual harassment in the workplace together.

Evenings are when a lot of single people chuck on a pair of heels some dangly earrings and head out to the bars. The amount you drink in this three hour period depends on the good looking to good in bed ratio later on. This can also be the time that fuck buddies are called upon from far and wide. Where you fancy a bit of chatter and then some naked time just to round off the day.

When night time rolls around a lot of couples will attempt to keep their eyes open after a long day so they can make love. New couples who have only just got together will be exhausted from having done it all day and after feeding each other candyfloss in bed will be sound asleep. Night time is the most common time for people to have sex because the disappointment of the day is already over so they need to be cheered up.

Whenever you choose to fuck/make sweet love/bash your bits together it’s best to mark it in your schedule. But the of course be spontaneous about the whole thing as well. No one likes routine sex. If this works better than take some pro plus with some red bull, strap on some tequila, strap in and do morning, brunch, lunch, noon, tea time and night time. That will do you for the year then and you can get on with the rest of your life.