Gifts for Next Week

Ah Valentines Day. It’s only six days away now. A romantic day full of love, dinners for two and scattered rose petals. This is a day that you can spoil your girl more than you do normally and buy red and pink presents like talking teddies and heart shaped pillows that are only acceptable on the fourteenth before it’s deemed tat and stored away for the rest of the year.
It’s also the time of year where you make the time to get down and dirty with your loved one. Maybe you have a life so busy it’s the only time you go down. Or get dirty. So I’ve chosen some gifts that are a little filthier than the usual chocolates and jewellery.

Ann Summers Bullet

I’m not one to normally buy things from Ann Summers as the place scares me, the sales assistants with the very long nails scare me and I get boob envy when I see the 36FF bras for sale. But I’m recommending this bullet because it’s ten pounds. And vibrates so fast you feel like you’re about to take off. And your lover might think you’re wrapping up a lipstick for her and then she gets it out and bam, play time. I actually took out a bullet in my handbag once thinking it was lipsalve. And offered it to someone. But less said about that the better. Just another part of the string of embarrassing moments that is my life.

Love Honey Games

Love Honey always step up their game when it comes to Valentines. It’s like they work thinking up dirty ideas and drawing filthy diagrams until the big day of February the fourteenth comes around and they can unleash their dirty plans. They’ve got a lot of offers on on presents, vajazzles and vibratey things.

With gifts I would go for one of their games. It will give you something to get you in the mood and they can be fun and make you try stuff you never have before. The game Lust is probably the winner. Each game ends with a unique love-making experience from 30,000 possibilities. If you’ve already done all 30, 000 then you’re probably the lead character in fifty shades of Grey. Or the real call girl from the diaries.

Because we’re lesbians, you’ll have to subtract the penis and add a strap on and divide it between the two of you and then multiply the orgasms. And that equals one hell of a night. If they had done maths like that at school I might have actually passed.

Mammoth book of Lesbian Erotica

If you’re struggling to get in the mood then this can really help. There are lots of stories in this one ranging from romantic first times to the downright filth of tying up and whips. There are some bizarre ones too involving oranges and napkins but apart from them it’s a great book. If your mind is on the kids, the pets, the dishes you’ve yet to do or the fact you’d rather just sleep then read this. Or read it outloud to each other and it can get you ready to do what they’re doing in the book. Just stay away from the oranges.

Sh! Remote Control

Sh have a whole range of Valentines stuff specifically for lesbians so you don’t have to trawl through the cock rings and penis pleasurers to find what you’re looking for. I saw quite a few of the gifts when I went to the night a few weeks back where they showed us what they had and how to use them while we judged the thickness and texture of things and ate cupcakes.

My favourite thing out of what I saw was the ‘Lelo Tiani Remote Control Couple’s Vibrator,’ which is basically something that you get pleasure out of while your partner controls it. Or vice versa. So imagine going out to a restaurant and you’re just casually eating your lasagna and then bam, you get something vibrating in your knickers. And if other couples have them around you then they’re remote can work for you so you could find yourself having your third orgasm under the table of pizza hut. It’s one way to spice up a meal.

Love Honey Bow

I loved this because you’re literally wrapping yourself up as a gift. If you didn’t have time to get a gift because you were busy attending to the unicorns or you just didn’t know what to get your girl because they already own the world and their cat then this is a great way to bypass it. And what could be better than getting a naked wrapped you? Just make sure you put it on when you know that your girl is on her way home. If you  get in position and have ribbon rubbing against your bits and your date doesn’t get home until two hours later, your patience can disappear quite quickly. You’ll end up sitting in meer cat onesies not speaking.

I will be putting more Valentines stuff up next week that’s a bit less dirty and a bit more stroking her hair romantic. And of course for all the single girls I’ll be putting one up that makes you not want to drown yourself in a bucket of Ben and Jerry on the day. it really is the day that splits people. Couples who shout ‘I love her,’ while gazing in to each others eyes. And then the single people who shout ‘Fuck off it’s Thursday.’