Following on from two weeks back and the different kinds of people you could get down and dirty with, from friends to exes so I thought this week I’d look into the actual types of dirty deeds you can get done.

Different Kinds of Sex

Break up

Not starting on a happy note, but when you know it’s going to be the last time with someone, you really put all your effort into it. You don’t care whether you’re hairs getting messed up at the back or if you’re Topshop dress is getting creased. You just want to do everything to get close to that person. If you’re the breaker upperer though don’t think that having it will mean you’ll go your separate ways. She might think that you’ve changed your mind and unclipping her bra is how you’re showing her this.

Make up

This is a must because after an argument there’s still enough anger there to make it an explosive passionate encounter. But also if you’ve upset each other, you’re going to make it up to each other by doing dirty things. The bigger the argument, the bigger the passion. If you called their cat fat or ate the last of her favourite raspberry yoghurt, it won’t be that big an explosion. If you called her mum fat or smeared the yoghurt into her expensive cream rug then expect ripped off clothes and panting galore.

Ridiculously embarrassing

You’ve got to have one funny sex story to tell someone. Maybe the person you got with made noises like a drunk penguin when she came. Maybe she tickled you so much you couldn’t stop laughing. Maybe she shouted out the word bacon. Or it can sometimes be you. Maybe you knocked your head on her nipple and got a nose bleed or maybe you did the most embarrassing thing and went down on her and sneezed. It’s all good for a story.

Ridiculously good

These are the encounters that when you tell your friends about you make a noise that sounds a cross between a squirrel letting out a sigh and a drunk man stumbling into a pond. Sort of like an aheeuuhghhh noise. Where you can’t even explain what she did or how she did it but you think that every single on of your internal organs orgasmed.

Last resort

The sex where you know that if you didn’t have any other options, you wouldn’t be considering doing anything to that person. Normally alcohol plays a big part in this decision. If you can’t do the person without first downing the six spirit cocktail pint, it might not be wise.

Funny

This is different from embarrassing because you like the fact that you keep breaking off the kissing for laughing and making jokes about nipple tassles and whips. And it’s ok if she can’t get your bra clasp undone or if you bump heads or graze your teeth together because it’s funny and light hearted sex.

I’m in Love sex.

This is the most romantic kind where the three words of ‘I’m coming now,’ are replaced with ‘I love you.’ This is normally slow and sensual and the type when Dido playing in the background is acceptable.

To be continued. Do you have a favourite one princess faces?